Don't pity me... It's my fault.

I've been talking to a man online lately. He's half-way across the globe, I'm married, and I'm stupidly risking my marriage. Because my husband and I don't talk anymore. I've tried telling him how I feel, that he's just not paying attention to me anymore. That when I try to tell him something that is important to me, he just shrugs it off and changes the subject. And it hurts me. The other man makes me feel like I'm worth listening to. That my words mean something. He reminds me that I'm worthy of deserving things. He reminds me of who I wanted to become, which, sadly, is not even close to who I am. Even though I know I need to only talk to him as a friend, it's gone further. Not a lot, and it's definitely not something I ever imagined I'd be doing online. I just feel such a connection to him. Not that it makes it right, but I can open myself up to him. Something I used to be able to do around my husband until he shot me down one too many times. I'm not a very emotional person. Normally, I can hold it all together and no one's the wiser. When I talk to this other man, it's so very different, and it's not just because we're not face to face. Usually we're calling each other on yahoo. So he hears my voice, my sighs, when I breathe. I keep telling myself that it's just the mystery of him that pulls me back every time, but I'm not so sure anymore.....I wish I were stonger.

Dirty Lil Secret

I have been a bit naughty this year. Went through alot of life changing experiences. One of them involved my blossoming sexuality. I was deprived for so long. Since this awakening, I have slept with 20 people atleast. I do not regret it at all, and don't have any plans on stopping either. Part of me thinks I might actually have a sexual addiction. I look foward to the new experiences. Infact I crave them.

Snap Back To Reality

Why does life have to be so difficult?
Why is it so hard to find a true friend?

I'm so sick of trying to calculate what people will think of each thing I say.
Sick of trying to make others happy with me.
I've tried to do what's expected of me for so long that I don't even know what I would do otherwise.
I've lost my identity.

I'd like to have a friend.
A true friend.
If there is such a thing.
I'm giving up on trying to find one though.
Giving up that fantasy.
Will the real me please stand up?

We're Even

I have previously posted here once before about my husband, in May, entitled "My Life." This confession is directed to him.

I want to thank you for showing me your true colours. You should know that I have since changed my mind. I don't love you anymore. I won't tell you because you think that I never did, so we can leave it at that. All you ever wanted was the money. Consider us even. Yes, I cheated before I left you. But you, you left me a long time before that ever happened.

I wish I knew how to quit you.

I miss you.

I miss getting your texts. Your pics. Your emails. Your calls. Just about everyday I resist the urge to msg you.

I wish I didn't feel that way, but I do. I know it's not fair to you. I'm sorry.

So in love, but I feel so broken.

I am still so in love with my girlfriend, even though she broke my heart. Now that she is back I am afraid that she will never love and adore me as she once did. I may never hear the words from her again that used to make my world... I love you and I am in love with you! Baby, I love you and I am in love with you, don't be afraid!

A Dirty Secret....

I'm afraid I have become "A Player." I'm currently casually dating 3 guys and sleeping with 2 of them. None of them know about each other. And I've told all of them that I am not looking for a committed relationship. I try not to sleep with different guys in too close a time period, just in case the protection fails and I end up knocked up, I'll know who the "Baby's Daddy" is. Oddly, I don't feel bad about the way things are. All of these guys are the type of guys who are probably doing the same thing with me. I do know, that if I ever met the right guy, I would drop all these guys in a heartbeat. I have a feeling that there are a lot of girls out there doing the same thing as I am, just too afraid to admit it.